Admirable.***The following Monday I found myself nervously watching the clock anddreading the arrival of the 0837; I knew Lennie would be on it - he hada thing going with the roster clerk to be sure of seeing me. Lucky me.When getting ready for work that morning, with anxiety bubblingfeverishly in my belly and putting me off my Corn Flakes, I found myrarely worn uniform trousers and almost put them on."Really, Clover?" I said to myself, head on one side and glaring at myreflection while I held the trousers over my bare legs.You know as well as I do we wear clothes to keep warm, provide someprotection from whatever we might be doing and to make ourselves feelgood. Wearing those trousers wasn't going to make me feel good; they'dmake me feel like I had to visibly apologise to the world for tryingout as a woman.Some people will tell you gender is a social construct, infiltratedinto society's consciousness by years of patriarchal conditioning. Somewill tell you that women shouldn't wear. I cried until the phlegm in my throat got so thick that I choked on it. And then I threw up until my ribs hurt before curling up on my daddy’s back and hugging him longer and harder than I ever had. In life, he had never been very fond of hugs. In death, he offered no complaints. The back of his shirt smelled like sweat and unwashed cotton and I rubbed it into my nostrils until the end of my nose turned sore. We lay like that, my father dead silent, the river and me babbling, none of us saying anything, until I heard singing. At first I thought it was the river itself, learned to carry a tune, the voice was so high and tinkling. It harmonized with the splashing and hiccuping of the water, until I could scarcely tell the two apart. Let us pause in life’s pleasures and count its many tears While we all supp sorrow with the poor There’s a song that will linger forever in our ears Oh hard times, come again no more It’s the song, the sigh of the weary Hard times, hard times come again no.
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